her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
