Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
