I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
