I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
