I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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