if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize