Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
