Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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