peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I am one with the molecules
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
