Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
