chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
This can only be settled by a dance off.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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