Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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