awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Four minutes until I can fart!
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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