I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
