Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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