I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You're earring is so big in my mouth
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
