why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
