he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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