I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
