did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
