Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Randomize
