I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
