I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I wish you could order shots online.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
