Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize