and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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