her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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