You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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