His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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