okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Randomize
