got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
