I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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