Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize