Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I just threw up on my dentist
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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