I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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