I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
