I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
