I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
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