How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Please don't give away my fajitas
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
