Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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