I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
