Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
