Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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