The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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