Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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