I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
