I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
