well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
