I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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