The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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