My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
