Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she told me i tasted like america
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Randomize
