She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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