I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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