There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
