dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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