im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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