bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
